Sea of Marbled Eye

Jan 08/03 - 10:22 pm

I am not the person I wish to be. This is not what I intended. I am a hidden shadow, withering under the desire to become reality, to become something real.

I have nothing substantial in this life. I cannot sit back and say that I bring good to this world. I don't, I just go about my day, struggling to stay happy, and and just like most people, I will spend endless days struggling to achieve something that will never arrive.

I always wanted to live in the extreme and to achieve things that all others were afraid to do. The person I want to be is so different from that which I am. I always wanted to skydive, be an extreme skier, deep sea diving for a living. Of all my visions, I travelled, all over the world. Africa is my dream. I could write entries upon entries about wanting to go there, to live among the people as one. As much as it represents the core of my ultimate desires, I fear this dream will remain unlived.

When I am older, I do not want to look back on my life and see it as a waste. That in itself would kill me, if I'm not ravaged by heart disease or cancer before then.

I hold very high ideals for myself, which I very rarely live up to. I am very self-critical; always striving to be better, to be strong, and independant. Perhaps these characteristics will allow me to succeed in life, but they will also hinder me. I am fighting so hard to hold up this image of being someone, that I forget to go out and experience life.

I don't want life to pass me by. I want to be wrapped up in experiencing, rather than merely going through the actions of living.

I detest the idea of being 'just like everyone else', but in reality, I am just that. I am just a regular girl, trying to show herself in this world.

I want to have stories. I want to be interesting. I want to feel fulfilled.

When I look into the mirror, I cannot help but see the person staring back at me. Our eyes lock upon each other for a second, before my gaze drops to the smile playing on her lips. It appears genuine, but the mirror plays upon a reflection. What you see before you, is not always the truth revealed.

That smile is faltering, for it is the eyes which long to be free. Sea of marble; Colour of the sky. Incandescent gaze upon a shadowed eye.

Orb of fire; stain the skin. The pulse quickens as it bleeds and breaks free.

My Words Will Never Die... - Jan 14/03
EviL - Jan 09/03
Sea of Marbled Eye - Jan 08/03
Back to Grade One - Jan 07/03
Stupidity - Jan 05/03